Alan's Darkest Days: Part 2
by tenjounotora
Summary: Alan's struggling to deal with his father's death, but luckily he has his brothers there to help.


Alan's Darkest Days: Chapter 2

Alan woke up some hours later. He pushed himself up and looked around, but was still in his room—the light coming through the door was quite a bit brighter than it had when he had arrived. Still he didn't feel like going anywhere. He was still tired, and the nap he had already taken had done nothing but make him feel sick to his stomach.

He reached over to his bed and pulled on his comforter. His bags he had thrown on the bed were pulled off with it, and it even knocked the light type that sat on the table next to his bed onto the floor. He didn't care and just pulled harder on the comforter until he was able to cover himself up and dozed back into slumber.

"Gordon, where are you going?"

"Scott said Alan was home."

"Just let him be for now."

"But—"

"Let him be Gordon. He needs some time to process this. He'll come down when he's ready."

"Alright."

Alan had frozen when he had heard his brothers' voices. He wanted nothing more than to be with them, but at the same time he didn't want to leave his room and the cocoon he had himself wrapped in.

He pulled the blankets tighter around himself and closed his eyes, willing himself to go back to sleep. He just wasn't ready to face anything yet.

When he woke up again his door was dark, no light making its way into the room. Alan's stomach started to growl but Alan just squeezed it and rolled over. If he left his room there was a possibility he'd run into one of his brothers and if that happened he'd have to acknowledge what had happened.

He tossed and turned for awhile—his stomach not letting him forget that he was hungry—but eventually it settled and he fell back into the nothingness of sleep.

"Alan."

A hand was on his shoulder shaking him, but Alan just groaned and pulled the blanket tighter around him.

"Alan, you need to wake up."

"No." He knew it was Scott that was bothering him and he knew he should probably do as he was told, but he just wasn't ready, not yet.

His brother sighed. "You need to eat something. You probably haven't eaten anything the past two days. Come down and have lunch with us at least."

"'m not hungry."

"I find that hard to believe."

Alan just groaned in response.

"I'm not leaving till you come and eat something."

Alan let out a sigh and flipped the comforter off of himself. "If I eat will you leave me alone?"

Scott looked his brother up and down. "It looks like you could do with a shower as well—"

Alan groaned and moved to curl up in his comforter again.

"Alright. At least we'd be getting you out of here for a bit. But you really need to come out and be with the rest of us. It's not helping you to be in here by yourself."

"I don't want to be around the others."

Scott ignored him and grabbed Alan's arm just under the armpit. "Come on. You need something to eat."

Alan let himself be pulled to his feet and led from his room. The light hurt his eyes but he tried not to show it as he followed his brother down the stairs and into the kitchen where he found the rest of his brothers at the table.

"Allie!" Gordon jumped out of his seat, ran over to his brother and picked him up. The pre-teen spun his brother around in a big hug—which was something since Alan was only an inch or so shorter than his brother.

Usually this action brought laughter from the youngest, but that day absolutely nothing came out of his mouth.

Gordon stopped spinning him and Alan just remained limp in his arms so Gordon gave him an extra tight hug. "Come on, let's get you some lunch."

Alan nodded and let himself be led over to the table and sat next to Scott. A sandwich was laid down in front of him but he found himself just staring at it.

"Come on Alan, eat up. You've got to be hungry." Scott reached over and squeezed his shoulder.

Alan stiffened at the gesture—one his father did often—and had to bite his lip to keep the tears at bay, he didn't want to think about it.

After a few moments he reached out and picked up the sandwich and took a bite, and then another one. The sandwich disappeared in no time.

"There, don't you feel better?"

Alan shrugged a little. True, his stomach wasn't growling like it had been, but at the same time all he wanted was to go back to his room.

"Why don't you and Gordon go for a swim?" Virgil swung his arm out toward the pool for emphasis.

"Yeah, that's a good idea! Come on Alan! Let's go!" Gordon smiled across the table at Alan as he slapped the table with his hand.

Alan flinched a couple of times—those gestures too were ones his father had used often. "I'm going back to my room."

He slid off his seat and started toward the stairs. It wasn't their fault. They probably didn't realize they looked like that, but it just meant that he needed to be back in his room where he could just sleep and forget about everything.

He struggled to keep himself from crying. Images of his father seemed to pop up everywhere he looked. He just needed to make it to his room and he'd be okay.

"Alan?"

Alan froze and looked into the lounge. His grandma was sitting at their father's desk. But even her, the way she said his name—

He bolted, ran as fast as he could to his room and slammed the door. He flopped onto the floor curled up into the blanket, and once again cried.

He wasn't sure how long it was before someone made their way into his room. He didn't care, and just kept his face down in his arms. The tears had dried up, but that last venture out just make it even more clear he didn't want to leave his room.

He could hear them walk across the room and sit down on the bed.

It was quiet, though he could hear whoever it was shift on the bed, and cough a little. He assumed it was Virgil. Virgil was usually the one that came when someone was crying.

He turned his head a little and peeked out of the corner of his elbow, but it wasn't Virgil's boots that he saw at the base of his bed they were Scott's shoes.

He buried his head again. "I wanna be alone."

"I know you do, Allie, but I think it would be best if you stayed with us. Being with people is better in these situations."

"How would you know?"

"Well, I was just a few years older than you are now when Mom died."

Alan froze, he had completely forgotten about their mom. About his brother's having had gone through this once already. He had too, technically, though he didn't remember anything about it.

Scott took in a deep breath and let it out. "Virgil was a year older, and John a year younger. Gordon was I think six, so quite a bit younger."

Alan pushed himself up into a sitting position. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean—"

A rustle of fabric and Scott was sitting next to him. "I know you didn't."

Alan was stiff against his brother's side. "What did you do—when you found out."

"Well," Scott settled himself down a little more. "Mom was supposed to have come home that day, but as we waited we heard nothing. It was only after dinner that Dad finally received a phone call. He had started crying and it had freaked me out. The thought that it could have been Mom was the furthest thing from my mind."

Scott sighed and wrapped his arm around his brother. "I got him to sit down and then he had us sit. He told us and well, we were shocked, and eventually started to cry."

"What did everyone do?"

"Virgil pretty much did what you did. He ran out of the house and hid—though Dad found him much faster than it took to find you. Still it was dark when he was brought back to the house. John just went upstairs and isolated himself. Gordon cried, he just did nothing but cry for a good long time."

"What did I do?"

"You? You cried too, but I'm pretty sure it was just because we were all crying. I don't think you understood. Though you did ask for mom quite a few times, after awhile you stopped and your mood was mostly based off of ours."

"Then what happened." Alan relaxed a little and leaned up against Scott.

"Why don't you come and sit in my lap and I'll tell you."

Alan frowned for a moment, but then climbed into his big brother's lap.

Scott wrapped his arms around him and pulled him closer to him. "None of us knew what to do or think. I'm sure you know that feeling quite well now."

Alan nodded as he leaned into his brother.

"We didn't talk a lot at first. Dad stayed in his office a lot, not doing much of anything. A little bit of work, drinking a little. He'd come out to make sure we'd eaten and were taken care of, but if we didn't need him he stayed in there. I don't think he slept in his room for a week at least."

"Was it because Mom used to sleep there too?"

"I don't know. Maybe a little, but I think he was just hurting too much. He just stayed there and worked as much as he could and just fell asleep there. Next morning he'd wake up and start it all over again."

"What about John?"

"For the first few days he'd locked himself in our room. Wouldn't even let me in—I had to sleep on the couch. After that he was either in our room or up on the roof. He wouldn't talk to any of us, and wouldn't even come down for Dad."

"But he started talking again right?"

"He did, but I'll get to that in a second. Virgil just wandered around and occasionally just cried for no real reason that I could figure out. Though he told me later it was just seeing things like the piano that reminded him of her—it would bring the grief right back to him."

Alan nodded again. "What about Gordon?"

"Gordon hadn't been happy the entire time Mom had been gone. He hadn't wanted her to leave and when he found out she wasn't coming home, he just cried. He would often be curled up with Virgil or me and we'd just hold him till he cried himself to sleep. When he'd wake up he'd be sad, but it looked like he'd break out crying at any moment."

"That sounds really miserable."

"It was. I tried my best not to think about what had happened. Tried to push it to the back of my mind. My job was to watch you guys, I didn't have time to worry about myself."

Alan pushed himself away from his brother and looked up at him. "But that's not good either."

Scott laughed a little. "No it wasn't. After a week Dad sent us back to school because it's believed that getting back into a routine would help with the healing."

"Did it help?"

"I think it would have if we had spent the previous week healing instead of just ignoring what had happened."

"What do you mean?"

"None of us did good in school. None of us were talking, paying attention, or even doing our work. Dad had been called to school several times for all of us so he pulled us out of school after two weeks."

"What did he do?"

"He made us all go to Wichita, to a doctor."

"You were sick?"

"Kind of. They were a psychologist. It was someone who studied how people—especially kids—dealt with loss. We went to sessions both individually and as a family for the next two weeks."

"What did you do?"

"We talked mostly."

"Did it help?"

"Yeah. It helped a lot. I had thought talking about Mom would hurt more than the idea of her being gone, but it didn't. I mean it was sad—we cried a lot, even Dad—but it helped to have our feelings out in the open rather than trapped inside."

Alan nodded and snuggled into Scott's chest.

"That's why I'd rather you come down and talk to us than hide up here."

"It's hard though."

"What's making it so hard?"

"It's probably stupid."

"I promise you it's not."

Alan frowned a little and hid his face in Scott's shirt. "Everyone acts like Dad. I never noticed it before, but—"

Scott couldn't help the laugh that escaped.

"See, told you it was stupid." The tears started to escape again and Alan struggled to keep them in.

"No, I don't think it's stupid. You're right, we all act like Dad, especially you."

"Me?"

"Yeah. Right now, you remind me of how he was when we lost mom. But even before now, there is so much Dad in you it is crazy. It's like looking at a mini Dad."

"But I don't look like Dad. Not like you do."

"No, but you do resemble him and boy do you act like him. Sometimes you walk like him, laugh like him, you have his energy and zeal. Even Grandma's said that you remind her of Dad when he was little. Almost more so than the rest of us."

Alan smiled a little, but it was getting harder to hold in the tears. He bit his lip and buried his face in Scott's shirt again.

"It's okay to cry Allie. There's nothing wrong with it. We've all cried a lot since we heard."

"But you aren't crying now and-and Gordon was excited to go swimming."

"That's because we've been talking. We haven't been keeping things pent up like before—like what you're doing."

"But—it hurts." He couldn't do it anymore. He gasped as a sob escaped and tears started to flood down his cheeks.

Scott rocked him back and forth and held onto him tighter. "I know it does, and I'm sorry to say that it will never stop hurting. You'll just get used to it, but it will still jump out and punch you when you're least expecting it."

Alan clung to his brother and cried. He wasn't sure how long it had been when he finally calmed down but for once he didn't fall asleep.

"You ready to be with the others yet?"

"Not really."

"How about you take a quick shower first? Maybe you'll feel a bit more like going down afterwards."

Alan just shrugged, but Scott pulled him up with him as he stood and guided him to the bathroom.

Alan took a very slow shower, mostly just standing under the spray of water until Scott reminded him through the door to use the soap and the shampoo.

When Alan finally emerged he felt a great deal better, but didn't want to admit that to Scott, still he took his brother's offered hand and and followed him out of the room.

"Allie!" Gordon jumped from his seat and pulled Alan into a hug, only he didn't spin him around this time. He held Alan tightly and buried his head in his shoulder.

Alan was shocked. It was soft, but his brother was actually crying.

"I'm sorry Allie. I didn't mean to run you off. I just thought—"

Alan wrapped his arms around his brother and squeezed him right back. "It wasn't your fault."

Gordon pulled away and Alan could see his eyes were red with fresh tears. "Come on, we were just talking."

Alan followed his brother down to the couches and sat down between his grandma and John. He looked around and everyone's eyes were a little red and there was a box of tissues on the table in front of them.

"We were just—" Virgil had to clear his throat. "—talking about Dad."

Alan nodded.

"I was only six when he bought me my first telescope." John smiled next to him. "He had one of course, but I had accidentally broken it the week before."

Alan looked up at his brother a little shocked. "Did you get in trouble?"

"A little, I mean he was upset, but it had been an accident so the main rule with the new one was that I couldn't set it up alone, he had to help. But that ended up being a good thing cause I'll never forget all the times he sat up with me and we looked up at the stars together." John smiled but reached up with a tissue and wiped at his eyes.

"I think dad got frustrated with me a lot when I was little—"

"We all got frustrated with you when you were little." Virgil smiled over at Gordon and everyone laughed.

"Haha. But anyways. When Dad first sent us off to boarding school it kind of felt like he was handing us off. I know, Scott, you said he had his reasons and to trust him—and well, you were right—but at the time it didn't feel like it. I mean, yeah, it was a good school and the swim program was great, but I just felt like he didn't want to deal with us." Gordon looked down at his hands with a sad smile on his lips.

"It wasn't like that Gordon—" Scott started but Gordon stopped him with the same gesture their dad always used.

"Let me finish." He flashed a small smile at Scott and he relented. "That was until I was in my first meet. He was right there, front row, cheering me on. And then the second and the third. I don't think he missed a single meet that first year." Gordon grinned as he reached up and wiped his own tears. "He told me—after I had won my first tournament—that he loved to watch me swim and loved to see how happy I was when I swam. It was after that that I decided that I wanted to do something underwater, something sciency to make him even more proud."

Alan smiled and pulled his knees up, cuddling up next to his grandma a bit more.

"I remember when I first started learning to play the piano. It was when Mom was still around, but he was home and in his office. I thought I'd practice a bit—Mom was in the kitchen I think cleaning up after dinner. I had started playing but was making all kinds of mistakes. It had only been a few minutes when I heard the door open to his office. I stopped and turned around to apologize figuring it was my music that was bothering him. Instead he shook his head and sat down in his chair and told me to keep going. That work was giving him a headache and he wanted to relax listening to me." Virgil smiled a little. "He'd always make an excuse like that to come out and listen while I practiced."

Scott reached up and squeezed Virgil's shoulder. "He was proud of us all. The first time I expressed an interest in flying, well, it was one of the biggest smiles I can remember him making. He'd take me up anytime I wanted to at first. Though he did have to say no the older I got—with you guys around and him trying to get his company and IR up and running—still, I could see how happy it made him. Though he would occasionally ask to make sure I was still happy. I think he was well aware of what we did to make him happy and what we did for ourselves. He never wanted us to feel we had to do something because he expected it." Scott turned to Alan and caught his eye. "You remember that okay?"

Alan nodded and wiped at his eyes, the tears flowing again.

Grandma squeezed him a little. "Do you have any memories of your dad?"

Alan shrugged a little. "It was fun before I went away to school. He showed me around the island and taught me how to climb. Hey Gordon, you that cove on the other side of the island?"

"What cove?" Gordon blinked and tilted his head.

"You don't know about it?" Virgil laughed a little. "I figured you would have been the first to find it!"

"Well, I don't. Allie, you're gonna have to show me this. I can't believe dad never told me!"

Alan sunk down into the couch a little embarrassed. "Sorry, I didn't mean to make you mad—"

"Hey, It's okay. I'm not mad." Gordon smiled at his brother. "We all have little things that dad did with us alone."

"Just like he would almost always make himself available to you when you wanted to talk." Scott leaned forward a little so that he could get a better look at his brother. "And do you guys remember when Alan brought home his first straight A report card last year?"

John laughed next to him. "He wouldn't stop talking about it. He was so proud of you."

Alan blushed a little. "I do remember when I used to sit in his lap at the end of the day and tell him all about my adventures." A small smile snuck onto his lips. "For awhile we'd watch all those old B-movies when he was done with work."

"So that's why you love those old movies so much." Scott couldn't help but chuckle a little.

Alan shrugged a little. "They're fun."

"And there's nothing wrong with that." Grandma gave him a squeeze. "Your dad was introduced to those movies by his dad. So I'm glad he found someone to pass them onto."

"And I'm glad it was you and not me." Gordon flashed a grin at his little brother. "Those things are so boring!"

Alan just stuck his tongue out at him.

"Don't worry Allie, I'll watch them with you if you want." Virgil was laughing but watching his littlest brother as well. "Just not too much."

There was a little bit of laughter from all of them, but it didn't last long.

"So, what's going to happen now?" Alan was quiet, still cuddled up next to his grandma not really looking at anyone.

"What do you mean?"

"This. IR. It was Dad's dream. You're still going to keep it going right?" Alan pulled away from his grandma as he talked and sat up finally looking at his brothers.

His brothers looked at each other for a moment before Scott moved to kneel before his little brother. "We've talked about it a lot and disbanding IR is the last thing any of us want to do."

Alan wiped at his eyes and rubbed his face roughly. He cleared his throat and gave his brother his most serious look. "Good. I want to help."

Scott smiled and he could hear the others chuckling a bit. "I'm sure we can find some things for you to help out with when you're home on breaks."

Alan's face remained stern as he shook his head. "No. I'll study hard, I'll take extra classes. I want to train and become an actual member."

Scott rocked back on his heels a little and glanced over at Virgil.

Alan followed his brother's look and saw Virgil smile and nod.

"Allie, remember Dad telling you he was going to work with you on something this summer?"

Alan's gaze returned to Scott and he nodded.

"We thought we'd wait till summer—like Dad had planned—but Dad was going to start your training. Virgil and I thought you'd like to maybe start riding along on some rescues and he agreed."

"Really?! So I can stay? I can start training now?"

Scott pinched his lips a little. "I'm not sure staying here would be much fun. You wouldn't have anyone to play with, you may never see your friends again either."

Alan gave a small shrug. "It's not like we thought we'd be friends forever or anything like that. We all kinda knew we'd go off to other schools after next year. Dad was already talking to me about what middle and high school I'd go to. And I'd rather be here with you guys anyways. I'm sure I can get Gordon to play with me—"

"Absolutely!"

"—and I would learn loads watching and training with you all!"

Scott's eyebrows were scrunched together in thought. "What do you think, Grandma?"

"I think we should sit on it for now."

"But Grandma!" Alan turned to her with a frown.

"Let me talk." She waited until Alan had nodded. "Finish out your school year and come back for summer. You can start your training and seeing how everything goes then we can talk about what's going to happen next year."

"Why do we have to wait?" Alan still wasn't happy with the answer. He wanted to get started now.

"There is a lot of paperwork we've got to take care of." Scott stood and instead sat down on the table. "And there is something I need to talk about with you, John, and Gordon."

"What's up?" Gordon's attention was piqued and he leaned forward.

"I thought we already touched upon everything?" John too looked interested and a little confused.

"Sorry, I was waiting till you were all here cause it involves all three of you—though John only for a year but still—"

"Ah, I see." John gave a nod of understanding and leaned back. "Then I think my vote shouldn't matter. It's up to Gordon and Alan."

"What? What are you talking about?"

Scott glanced over at their Grandma before taking in a deep breath. "With Dad gone, you guys need an official guardian. Someone who's responsible for you. According to the lawyers it's up to you who you want as your guardian."

"Like replace Dad?" Alan frowned.

"No, no. Not a replacement, but just someone to sign your school stuff, or to take the call if you get sent to the principle's office—" Scott glanced over at Gordon at the comment.

Gordon just rolled his eyes. "Get caught once pulling a prank and you're labeled for life."

Alan couldn't help but giggle.

"But it's just something official. It could be me, or Grandma, or even Virgil if you wanted."

Alan looked around at the three of them. Scott looked nervous, Virgil looked relaxed with a smile, and Grandma just looked down at him with a smile. "I want it to be you Scotty. I want you to be my new parent."

"Yeah, same for me. You're already a great big bro, being a da—parental figure shouldn't be that much of a step up for you." Gordon grinned ear to ear, but there was still a bit of wetness in the corner of his eyes.

"But what do we call you? You're not a parent, or a grandparent, but you're just my brother, but you're my guardian too—" Alan frowned a little as he thought.

"You can just call me Scott. I'm still your brother, nothing has changed. Like I said, it's just an official thing."

Alan smiled and stood, climbed up into Scott's lap and hugged him. "You're going to be a great guardian."

"Thanks." Scott squeezed him back.

"You're going to be in charge of everything, aren't you?" Alan pulled a way and looked up at him. "IR and Dad's company?"

"Probably, yeah. We've got some meetings with the board of directors and too much paperwork, but—" Scott took in a deep breath, tears threatening him for the first time that Alan had seen that day.

Alan leaned in and squeezed his brother even tighter. "You're going to be the best and Dad is gonna be super proud of you."

Scott sniffed and squeezed his brother right back.

"Your father would be proud of anything you do, he loved you all and there's nothing that would change that."

"Grandma's right." Virgil moved to sit next to Scott on the table and ruffled Alan's hair a little. "Dad gave us everything we need to do it right. He's part of everything around us."

There was a moment of silence as everyone thought about what had been said.

"You know what this calls for right?" Gordon stood up and stretched his arms a bit. "Family hug time! And Johnny, you're not exempt."

John rolled his eyes. "Please stop calling me Johnny. I'm not a kid anymore."

"Not listening, don't care, get your butt over here."

They all laughed a bit as Scott stood up with Alan still wrapped around his torso. Virgil wrapped one arm around Scott, the other around their grandma. Gordon was on the other side, his arms around John and Scott and they smushed their littlest brother in the middle.

Alan realized his brothers were right. He couldn't just hide in his room forever. His father was gone and there was nothing any of them could do to change that. But there was plenty they could do to move on and make sure they continued with their lives in a way that their father would be proud of.

Alan already knew he was going to be an astronaut like his father and what he needed to do and study to reach that goal. There was nothing that was going to stop him from doing that or what he had been taught by his father; keep his head up, mind clear, never give up, and keep moving forward.


End file.
